Not your average 30 something single…

Are these questions for real?

So, I told another that I cant take things further with him. We emailed and “dated” – to put that term loosely, for about four weeks. At first the conversations were intelligent and stimulating. Just the way I like them. We hit it off quite well. If I had anything to say on the contrary it would be that he has a mortgage, a government job and two boys that he has week on week off. I on the other hand, don’t have a problem with those attributes so to speak, however, I am a free agent these days. I have a contractor’s job, and 18 year old son and… no financial ties to speak of. (Lucky me, I say).

So it occurs to me that this sensible and stable type may not be suited to me in that regard. It really started to bother me when he referred to himself as a collective. For example, “Oh we (as in, his boys) love ghost stories too” or “My boys and I really enjoy hiking too!” Again, I don’t have an issue with the “package” however, it seemed that I had common interests with his children as well as him. At this stage in my life, I am sorry to say, but I am just not there anymore. I can’t do it, I can’t even pretend and I really wasn’t that physically attracted to him to ignore all of the above.

The deciding factor was his penchant for defaming his ex-wife. Now, I am not sure if men think that women love it when we hear them light up the proverbial witch burning on the ex-wives, but I don’t. It says a lot of human who doesn’t rubbish their exes. It’s not respectful and it’s not exactly character building to do so. This one seemed to bring his previous marriage – which ended four years ago – into almost all conversations. Calling her names and accusing her of god knows what. I frankly didn’t want to know.

To the point where the questioning was turned to me. On our first date I was propositioned along the lines of, “ I am wanting to talk to you more and find out how egocentric you are.” Yes, he used the word egocentric and on the first date. When I queried him further on this, he admitted that his wife was egocentric and he wanted to see if I was. Is that even a thing in dating these days? Have I missed something during my hiatus?

I was later asked “Are you an abusive woman?” and “When you get angry, do you scream and throw things?” Ok legit questions, although I feel strongly about him applying gender to his question.. He could of just asked if I was abusive? But seriously? Who the fuck asks questions like that? And would anyone entertain a question like that? Even if you were the most benign, compliant, benevolent creature on the planet. I guess it didn’t help that I was at work and these questions were emailed to me….

Well, y’know, I stopped that shit right then and there.

Leave a comment »

Internet dating, round #23

I did it again, I reactivated my account with dating site, RSVP. I have been a bit of a loiterer of such a site for the last 2 years. In the same vein that set me up with Himself, nearly four years ago now, I hold hope that I will in time, find another Himself.

The last time I reactivated my account on RSVP, I was immediately bombarded by 60 year olds and men that did not seem to let their friends have a “proof” of their profile and their pics before boldly posting to some unsuspecting female. I guess us girls do have an advantage that way, we can sign up to these sites and have our friends check our pics for good measure.. we sort of know what works.. However, there is the good, the bad, and the downright ugly in all the world of internet dating.

And off I go, with my knapsack and a handful of hope…

On the first evening of reactivating my account I had two gentlemen contact me. Emails straight up, I don’t mind, it means I can be a little less judgmental of their profiles and be courteous enough to write back. After all, they did spend money on stamps to contact me. The least I could do was talk to them. At this point they are probably just as lonely as I am. So we chat. I meet one for coffee two days later, at a busy market. He is handsome, 48, a school teacher, I am interested. A bit older than what I had in mind, but hey, that mind is open, leaving what I currently have in it, free to walk out.

 

He has to leave the meet and greet early as his son is having trouble with a new café he has recently opened. Fair call, so we say goodbye and off he goes. He sent me a text saying it was a pleasure to meet me and hopes my afternoon is relaxing. I respond that indeed it is. He then text me the deal breaker for “only just met”. The one thing that I cannot seem to fathom why men send when they want to get to know someone. The biggest turn off – and I think I can speak for most women – the “I am toey” text. Toey, horny, randy, thinking of the things I would love to do to you right now, that sort of thing. It cannot be done after the first meet and greet, unless that’s the context and if I wanted that, I would go on Tinder, but I don’t, that is why I have a quirky, sweet, adorable profile, because I don’t want just a hook up.

I responded with, “that’s nice”. He apologised and I never heard back from him.. He was 48!?? Am I missing something here?

Now, just as I am finishing up on this blogpost, I am about to meet another, he isn’t that great at writing emails, but that’s ok, not everyone is. You don’t need to be a literary expert to qualify as a potential romantic interest… Hang on a sec, is there a dating website for writers??

Leave a comment »

A dog or a person?

So I went walking along a popular beach. It was Sunday. And it was beautiful. All things warm and fuzzy. I had just the day before hiked a 3km uphill/downhill jog and my legs were not the happiest. Every step was a step closer to disability. However, given my spirits and my urge to get fit, I even went up to the soft sand and trudged along in the welcoming morning weekend sun, determined that pain equals happiness. Oh… or maybe just some nostalgia for my sadists days…

Ok, so now the scene is set. Sun, beach, sand, water lapping at my toes, pain, but its good, freedom and space….., and a man approaching… Wait, no shirt, firm calves, dreadlocks and….he belongs to some cainine sorts.. its just keeps getting better…

Do I look down and keep within my own thoughts and focus on my pain… or do I attempt to make eye contact. Simple, eye contact?  While I am deciding in this lifelong existence of decisions and dilemma’s  his bitza dog rushes to me while I was watching my chiped toenail polish disappear in the cool wet sand.  I didn’t notice this wet canines fast approaching presence. I immediately bent down and petted him/her. And asked oh so strangely out loud…”Hello, what’s your name? He/her sniffed and as if about to answer, stopped and heard his/her person call. I couldn’t hear him, but the mutt obviously did and shot off like a bullet back to the shirtless male hunk of a  being.

I considered then, I might have to acquire a dog, or a person….

Leave a comment »

I can’t offer advice.

Apparently taking dating advice from a single woman is like taking parenting advice from Paris Hilton. Did I just refer to Paris Hilton? Case in point.

However, I think there needs to be more credit than that. Single people, over the age of 28 (sorry, I had to pick a number!) may actually know what NOT to do.

I am going to take it upon myself to offer advice on what NOT to do. Sort of like, 8+7 does NOT equal 6. This advice is based on trial and for the most part , error.

Part 1 “The origin of No No’s”

The Bar.

1. Don’t ask the first cute guy you meet to add you on Facebook. No. Just don’t.

2. Dancing up on a cute guy can cause problems with his girlfriend who returns from the bathroom.

3. There are some guys who just want to pick up that night and nothing more. Sad , but true. You can identify these precious sorts by them never asking for your number. Ever. Or asking you any questions really, expcept “wanna get out of here?”

4. If you give him your number and its after 1am.  Disregard. Forget it, (if you don’t , he mostly likely already has).

5. Don’t expect to have an extremely intelligent conversation with a guy about the meaning of life and how you think we should all quit our jobs just to see what happens to the economy. Y’know, to really shake things up. Nor should you mention you believe in fairies. Those guys NEVER call you the next day. Ease your crazy into it. -oh wait, did I just tell you what you should do?

6. Don’t stare a guy down from across the dance floor while your running your fingers though your hair. Unless you want to attract the types from #2, then its just plain…creepy.

7. Oh, and finally – Don’t look like your “looking”, desperation is Hi-Vis. Its like peeing in the pool and you haven’t drank enough water. Everyone can see.

So there you have it. Now I am going to drop some sneaky, “How to” advice – TRUST YOUR GUT. Always. ALWAYS..

Then end.

Leave a comment »

Where have I been? Ask Cupid.

Its been almost 12 months since my last post, have I been having a dating hiatus? No. Maybe, yes.

I started dating this guy around 10 months ago, I didn’t meet him online so I figured this is as close to God as I am going to get. My heart jumped around like a corn kernel in hot oil (and that is an accurate indication as to how long it lasted.) I was ecstatic, this feeling of butterflies I thought was gone forever, along with my 20-something boobs, was suddenly back again! No, not my boobs. I mean, I was listening to songs on the radio and thinking of him, I was walking down the street and smiling to myself, I caught myself doing all that corny shit teenagers do. Was I in love???? I should know, right?

In short. No. In short, I was in love with the feeling of being in love. To put it not so short, I was convinced that because I felt these feelings and he was totally reciprocating, then I had arrived. Cupid didn’t die in my last break up when I jammed that goddam arrow up his arse. No, he was back and armed. However. It took me a few more months of dating to realise, Cupid’s aim was slightly off.

Cupid! What the fuck have you done?
Turns out the little chubby, naked bugger was only using poison darts that had me believing in something that was never going to happen. Cupid had me believing that just because I hit it off with someone who was not an apprentice stalker, or misogynist in the making or a serial sadist; then I must be in love. Stupid Cupid, should of pulled his wings off when I had the chance.
Ok Ok, enough with the Cupid bashing. that greasy little streaker is probably a deep dark part of my own self belief.

A confession: we were flying home (the BF, not Cupid) from a pre-planned weekend away. I was going to see the weekend through then end it with the BF when I got back. I couldn’t continue pretending I had feelings when I simply did not. Like  a normal person, I would break up with him. But I am not a normal person. I am not that patient, I could not wait 2 more hours until we landed and collected our baggage.

I broke up with him on the plane. 20 minutes into our 2 hour flight.
After berating me for my selfishness, which I am not going to argue with him about considering what I had just done, he turned and faced the window, staring out into a nearby cloud. The curve of his hunched shoulder appealed to my compassion. I was sorry for hurting him. So, I took back the break up. Oh how evil am I! I felt like I had just locked us both in an empty room and threw away the key.

2 Comments »

“You have a cute body”

In my war days of online dating, I did meet someone who I am not at all romantically interested in, yet is a very smart conversationalist and artist musician (artistic musicians are the ones who are too busy meandering through their creativity to actually do anything about their craft on a professional basis). Those two traits are enough in themselves to pique my time and effort, thus I pursued a friendship, and the feeling was mutual.
Although there is one thing that really gets under my skin with Mr Music… and it’s his constant reference to girls he has dated or had relationships with that have “hot bodies”.

Okay. Now, I do not have an issue with his opinion. However, I did question why every time he mentioned a girl he added at the end “She was an absolute stunner, had the hottest body”. He also made references like “I don t care what their face looks like, so long as she has a hot body”. And to add incongruence to the mix he would say “I don’t care what they look like, if they have eyes that grab me, that’s it, I’ve fallen.”

Mr Music works out and in truthfulness he has a good body for a late thirty-something. He goes alright in the body department – from the waist up to the neck. That’s it. He is balding and has bad teeth. Now I don’t care so much about looks, usually…. Until a conversation goes like this….
“So Mr Music, you keep referring to girls with hot bodies, what do you call a hot body?”
He stammers “well, you know..”
“Do I have a hot body?” I know this is a loaded question. As I know, I am a size 8 UK, about 165cm and 56kgs.. (115pounds?) I have all the curves in the right places and a little squishy in others, but I am not what you call “Smokin’”

Mr Music replies.. “You have cute body..” and he quickly adds.. “I could get you toned up so good!”
After my jaw is dropped for a few seconds at this suggestion to “Tone me up so good”, he adds “But you have the eyes, your eyes are just, amazing!”
Call me slightly touchy, but I didn’t buy it..

What what? I am 37 years old and I am a size 8 (I think that’s a 4 in US?) and I play roller derby so my butt is in A1 shape… sure my breasts are humble….but its all in proportion… More to the point- Why am I justifying this to him??!!! To a balding hobbit with a great torso and nothing more, who shaves his arms and chest..who- Oh and now I am being vindictive!

I’ll stop right there. I think you get my point.

To add insult to injury, Mr Music proceeded to tell me how girls in our city are so “shallow, they don’t look past the exterior and judge books by their covers”.
Sigh…….

1 Comment »

You aren’t lonely, you just feel lonely…

I’ve just finished a college degree and now I am officially unemployed. That makes me slightly less “datable” doesn’t it?
I am looking for work, and intend to make enough money to pay all my bills and buy a plane ticket overseas. That makes me slightly less “datable” too doesn’t it?

So with these two points in mind, I have decided not to date, I mean, actively look for dates, such as online, hitting up guys at bars and badgering my friend to put a good word in to her brother for me. Yes, after recently dating four guys in four weeks, I decided to call it quits. Well, I didn’t really quit per se, more like finally understood when enough is enough.

My therapist said to me, “You don’t like being alone do you?”
Of course I retaliated by exclaiming, “I don’t have a problem with being alone, sometimes I crave it, I just really like dating much more.”
Needless to say this challenged me. I was going to be lonely and I was going to like it!

Now there is a difference between being alone and lonely. I do like being alone. I am an introvert. But I loathe being lonely. Or rather “feeling” lonely. I don’t think anyone can be lonely, I think they can only feel lonely. I am not lonely, I just at times feel lonely.
I have been an ‘external studies’ student for almost three years, I can do being alone. I have been living on my own (with my teenage son, who is more like a flatmate that I feed, clothe and clean up after but never see) two years out of the last three, and have recently moved away from my family. So, y’now, one can be forgiven for having an abject aversion to feeling lonely. It downright sucks!
However, I have decided that when I feel lonely, I will learn to sit with it for a while. If I cry because of it, so what? If I get on Facebook and post passive aggressive meme -quotes with the intent to send a message to an ass of an ex-boyfriend at 2am after seven glasses of wine, so be it. If I write some dismal description about demons playing hopscotch on my back as I lay prostrate on my bedroom floor (again after seven wines), then I have something really interesting to read the next morning.

We spend so much time moving away from what’s causing us discomfort, we don’t see the value in experiencing the pain.

What is the value of feeling lonely? Well, for me I learn to not be afraid of the feeling. I learn that in it, I can find opportunity. I read or write, or paint or play guitar or surf the net looking for more music to add to my collection. Hey, one benefit is that my playlist expands somewhat when I am feeling the melancholy pinch of loneliness. I tend to feel shit a lot more when it hurts and feeling drives creativity…


So, there we have it. Feel the burn, I say!

Leave a comment »

So youre a bit of a hippy, I hope you shave your legs..

Mr Sen Sybil moved in way too fast and way too comfortably.
He was arranging our wedding behind my back!
Ok here’s the skinny:
He emailed me straight up via our internet dating service.
His profile heading read “Looking for Miss Right” (Yeah, the heading I joked about in a previous blog) – I don’t know maybe its just me, but I found this freaking hilarious coming from a 40 year old divorcee with two children.
I read his profile and replied to him rather clearly: “ You seem very sensible and know what you are looking for and I do not think I am that person”.
Let alone Miss Right! – I mean who the fuck is?? What is Miss Right? What is Mr Right? and yes I am saying “what” not “who” because I think a Mr or Miss Right is a thing that we have conjured up in our heads, not an actual person. Now I am not saying no one can be “right” for you per ce . But what if Miss Right doesn’t think you are Mr Right? And how long does Mr or Miss Right have their title for? Do we even reference Mr and Miss Right these days anyway? I mean- Who the fuck is RIGHT?

I digress…

I do not want to sound cruel, but after dating people for so long (three years in total with a 15 month hiatus in between when I found Himself) one starts to see it for what it is.. .. NOTHING TO TAKE SERIOUSLY. A connection doesn’t mean a slip- the -ring- on -the- finger connection.
Mr Sen Sybil informed me promptly that my profile sounded very interesting and he would like to get to know me despite what his profile read about his said preferences. (ok, why did you write that shit then?)
Now after a few reciprocal emails later (all in which I reiterated the fact that I don’t think we are suited) he informed me that the fact that I am a bit of a “gypsy” (my words) concerns him and he needs to find someone who is willing to stay in the area for the next twenty years because of his kids. WHAT THE FUCK??
Firstly, “concerns” you? I mean, I didn’t even tell you I was willing to pursue this any further than a few emails AND I said we are probably not suited. Have you not been paying attention???? Why should anything about me other than me saying “I don’t think we are suited” concern you??
He also asked me “So you’re a bit of a hippy, Do you shave your legs? I hope so.”
He also disclosed that he would like to remarry again some day and perhaps have more children.
I replied back: I am not remarrying and WILL NOT have any more children. I don’t care if Ryan Gosling wants to be my baby’s daddy, I aint doing it…..
After he persisted some more about wanting to meet me, I reluctantly agreed to have dinner with him. On that same day I also went to my doctor stating that I drink too much and sleep too little, so I probably shouldn’t have agreed to anyting. But we actually hit it off for about four days. Then he sent me a text message saying:

“Oh she’s beautiful, I am so happy for you, I have tears in my eyes now, you will both be in my prayers tonight xoxo”
I was a little baffled. Was I sent that by mistake? Then another text came through..

“I sent a pic of you to my sister in law this morning, and that’s what she sent back to me”

CREEPY!

The list goes on. He did not listen to me. He always stated how he felt about me and even said, “ I understand why you are scared, if you felt the same intense connection to me as I do to you, then I can see how frightening this is for you”.
No sir- its only because I am just not that into you.
That’s why I am not reciprocating all the x’s and o’s and telling you how much I miss you and that you’re constantly on my mind. Because I don’t miss you and your NOT constantly on my mind.

Its time I have to let him go: after a grand total of 4 weeks from the first initial email. It was like keeping a grasshopper in a jar.. it was never going to last.
He took it so badly, Its like I broke up with him after five years. I did nothing to lead him to believe we are going to be together but he told me he thought I was someone who he could spend the rest of his life with.
I told him. No. I am not doing it. Enough is enough.
So I am off the online dating site. I have to find out what I look like completely and utterly soltera.
I have always had a man fitting in somewhere, whether I am trying to get over him, dating another, flirting with another, looking for another. There has always been some degree of intense man chasing going on.
I have to give this a rest.

Leave a comment »

But… I believe in fairies….

So, here he comes. A knight in shining armour. He persists through all my attempts to scare him off… (The title of his online dating profile read.. “Looking for miss right” which is an issue right there..) he still wants to meet me. Now, I pulled a lot of stops on this one…

“Im crazy”

“I think you are too sensible for me”

“You seem like a really nice guy, I am not that…stable”

“I believe in fairies”

“I am in therapy…”

No. Apparently this does not hinder his pursuit of me..

Mr Sen Sybil. I shall call him, persists and I agree to meet him. Well the man is handsome indeed. We hold great conversation, although a little on the conservative side… He says he wants to open up to new things and I should too… what? Conservatism? Been there.. its really overrated..
He eats fish on Fridays during Lent and he has an impeccable dedication to his children. What can I say. The guy is… .Decent!

So, here’s me. Still trying to work out what I am going to be when I grow up and if living in India in my old age is a dream come true..
I also wonder if I could still be bisexual or if my wild oats need to be sewn just to doubly make sure the job was done right the first time.. whenever that was..
Now in my defence… From those who think I am passing up a man who could really love me for who I am,.. I went on the dating website in order to find someone to have some fun with and if a relationship eventuated, then so be it… Now this guy stipulated from the onset that he wants to find someone he can settle down with.. See? We weren’t on the same page in the beginning..

So I told him I am going to take it slow.. Now that’s very subjective isn’t it??
I just cant get past the “kid” thing.. that’s all he seems to talk about. Now I applaud his dedication to his children and his attentiveness to their every single move.. however, that is not me. No criticism on his part.. Its just not..me..
Besides… he told me he needs someone who can be live in the area for the next 20 years while his children grow up.. (clearly he means into their late twenties..)

I told him.. no can do.. he said.. “ok I will think about it..”

After advising that I was not a job applicant and I didn’t care either way what he wanted, he said… I still want you… sigh,….

Leave a comment »

The power of elimination…. right?

After Mr Orton, I managed to date three other guys in two weeks. Must have something to do with the power of elimination..
Mr Music (age 38) was and is charismatic and funny. We had so much in common, right down to our religious backgrounds, love for gin and tonic with lime, repugnant views regarding corporations and Eddie Vedder is awesome. We got along famously. We talked one day from 9.30am to 3.30pm. And that was it. Just conversation. I was beginning to think how this transitions to the first kiss as we were too busy exchanging “Oh my god, you too!?”
We exchanged our first kiss after about 17 hours total of conversational air time.. (how many dinner dates does that equate to?)
He is a good kisser..
Am I attracted to him?………no..not really, no.
What a shame.. Am I vain?
I stuck it out another rendezvous and I thought I should tell him (after he disclosed some pretty serious stuff about himself) something about me.. reciprocal disclosure right??

Then he stopped messaging me.. went of the grid… What the??
Oh for fucks sake…
He rings me days later, apologises for jumping the gun on me and asks if we can be friends because we have so much in common.. Hmm
Now he just messages me when he is horny… Sorry Mr Music , the train has left the station..

So later I meet Shrugsalot.. (named aptly cause he.. just shrugs a lot.. I mean for a 42 year old.. he hasn’t really formed many opinions on life..) He comes across rather aloof but tells me “babygurl, I cant wait to see you x” after about two days of nothing.. Heed, I have not slept with these men, nor have I given them the impression that I am “babygurl” or “message me when you think of sex”..

I just don’t know anymore… I liked the younger guys..They had opinions and would never call me babygurl… oh.. whatever.. Im such a cynic, yeah?

So now I will introduce… “Italianstallion”..stand by..

2 Comments »